Kindness: Use a ‘To Be’ List as a Simple Reset Technique for Emotional Regulation
Respect • Ownership • Connection • Kindness
By Lee Havenga | May 15, 2025
Using a simple technique for emotional regulation as you start your day can be the difference between a day that spirals upward or downward. Kindness to self is a core ROCK thru principle, and sometimes the first step is just asking: Have I given myself what I need today?
Have you ever had a day where you feel in a funk? Nothing’s technically wrong, but nothing feels quite right either. The hours go by and you realize you’re not snapping out of it—you’re sinking further in. That’s precisely what happened to me recently until I finally paused and checked in with myself: Have I given myself what I need today?
I did a quick mental check and realized I had skipped nearly everything on my ‘To Be’ list—a simple list of 10 things I know I need in order ‘to be’ at my best. As soon as I did a few things on my ‘To Be’ list, my mood improved, and my challenging emotions decreased.
APPLY IT IN 10 MINUTES
Technique: Create and Use a ‘To Be’ List
Identify your ‘To Be’ Activities
What simple, foundational things help you feel physically steady, emotionally clear, and mentally focused? Think about categories like:
- Physical needs (sleep, water, food, movement)
- Emotional support (connection, gratitude, rest)
- Mental or creative outlets (learning, hobbies)
- Spiritual grounding (meditation, prayer, nature)
Identify 10 things that fuel you—the things that help you feel most invigorated and in flow.
Write your ‘To Be’ List
Ensure your ‘To Be’ list doesn’t become a strict to-do list—think of it as a set of loving actions to give yourself generously. Here’s mine as an example:
- sleep
- water
- whole foods
- body movement
- sunshine
- fresh air
- supplements
- gratitude
- connection (with my people, dog, and God)
- create or learn
Use it in the Morning
See how many of these you can do in the first part of your day. Just a few checkmarks can create a foundation for emotional steadiness.
Use it to Reset
When you’re feeling off, glance at your list. In just 10–15 minutes, even small actions help shift your mood and bring clarity.
To reset my funky-feeling day, I took vitamins with two big glasses of water and ate a banana. Then, I went outside to play with my dog to move my body, soak up sunshine, and get some fresh air. (I love it when I can cover more than one in the same effort!) Just like that, I had checked off six out of ten and felt back on track.
DEEPEN THE IMPACT
Start noticing patterns. Which items on your ‘To Be’ list are the non-negotiables that consistently set you up for success and emotional steadiness? You’ll start to recognize these because your energy, clarity, or mood tends to slip when they’re missing. Maybe sleep, sunshine, or spiritual connection are your crucial pillars. Re-order your list with priorities at the top and make every effort to do these as soon as possible in the mornings.
MORE RESOURCES
Here are some great resources to deepen kindness to yourself and discover more techniques to support emotional regulation:
Video: How to Do Self-Care and 3 Dumb Reasons People Don’t Do Self-Care
Article: What Is the Essence of True Self-Care? – Psychology Today
Source:
Riegel, Barbara, et al. “Self-care Research: Where Are We Now? Where Are We Going?” International Journal of Nursing Studies, vol. 116, Apr. 2021, 103402. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2019.103402
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